No Comments// Posted in West Sussex County Times Column by Mary on 03.02.14.

Can you remember talking to someone but felt frustrated, annoyed and generally disrespected as you sensed they were not listening to you?

This is because most people listen with the intention of either defending themselves or solving a problem.

For example, if you are relaying an incident that happened at work, is the person you are talking to responsive, attentive and listening to what has upset you? Or are they making assumptions, telling you what you should do or using it as an opportunity to talk about themselves?

And how guilty are we of doing much the same?

But wouldn’t it be great if we could develop better listening skills!

Take time to notice what is around you. Does the weather mirror your mood? Do your surroundings feel comfortable and secure? Does the sound of your feet on the floor as you walk seem more like a shuffle than a firm step? Are your breaths shallow or deep?

These are all ways we can connect with the moment and develop supreme listening skills.

But to progress this further we need to understand why we interrupt, speak over the top or ‘zone out’ when someone else speaks.

Ask yourself…

• Do I allow people the time to get their point across without interruption?
• Am I attentive?
• Do I make assumptions after the first few words are said?
• Am I thinking about what I am going to say next?
• Do I let my eyes and/or thoughts wander off?

These are all clues that we’re not truly conversing; we’re mimicking.

It takes years of practice to develop great listening skills but the next time you are in a conversation practice using one or more of these techniques.

1. Imagine no one else exists apart from you and the person you are talking with; allow them to be your sole focus. If phones or TV are a distraction, switch them off.
2. Imagine you are giving a radio interview; you can’t speak over each other otherwise the listeners won’t make sense of it.
3. Check that you are being attentive and are not planning your response, if you are, bring yourself back to what is being said.
4. Think about how you would want to be listened to.

 

As Stephen R Covey said – ‘Most people do not listen with the intent to understand; they listen with the intent to reply.’

Mary Ancillette is a therapist and author of ‘Up to Me’ written under her pseudonym of Mary Ancillette.

 

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